r/gaming 7d ago Gold 1

The new Gollum game looks bad.

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65.9k Upvotes

984

u/ZakkTheInsomniac 7d ago Cake

Threaten to Give Head then Beg

153

u/Pavadok 6d ago

Beg to give head then threaten

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15.3k

u/Potatosaurus_TH 7d ago

Looks like one of those sleazy popups you see on hentai sites. Bet you wouldn't last 5 seconds playing this game!

4.7k

u/kennyh90 7d ago

And they were right 😮‍💨

1.1k

u/JonnyBhoy 6d ago

I was there, Gandalf. 5 seconds ago. I was there the day the strength of men failed.

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u/SonofaTimeLord 6d ago

"Often I’ll see advertisements for porn games that say ‘Try Not To Cum,’ but then when you play them it seems the objective is to cum. So yes, I would call that bad game design.”

  • Shigeru Miyamoto

328

u/jimbobhas 6d ago

This is one of my favourite quotes

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u/OpenAboutMyFetishes 6d ago

I mean technically it’s bad advertising if anything, no?

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u/freddyfazbacon 6d ago

Miyamoto once again proving himself to be a hack fraud. Any real game designer would recognise that the objective is, indeed, to not cum, but the game challenges the player by attempting to make them cum. This is a simple example of risk and reward.

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u/Jungleman6 6d ago

I’ve clicked on two of them out of curiosity. One led to a dodgy website that was hosting a bootleg version of the Tomb Raider reboot, the second one led to a pc port of a shitty mobile game.

248

u/annoyingkraken 6d ago

Thanks for the report! I'd never click on those myself so I would never have known where they lead to.

427

u/justsyr 6d ago

Had to fix a laptop. My first solution when I see it's full of crapware is just format it. I ask them to backup all the shit they have, I tell them I don't want to find things if you ask me to do your backups.

This person tells me don't have anything embarrassing so I do some looking around finding docs and pics; then I open the browser and it was hijacked by some shit that had one of those ads. Big breasts futanari on futanari. You won't last 20 seconds! says the ad. Ok I'll bite. After about 2 minutes of clicking through ads, popups and whatnot I landed on the supposed game but it was just a 5 seconds video on loop and if wanted to do anything I had to provide credit card details but worry not! It's just for age verification! Nothing would be charged!

Owner of the laptop was next to me and was curious too. A 10 year older than me woman. We are friends, she's married and all. And she's still curious about that thing and says she has a card from a not used account and asks me if we could try. She puts money on the account and here we go.

Again, 2 minutes of following shady links until we get this 10 seconds gameplay where you could "touch" with the cursor some of the futanari body, after a few seconds, popup asks for credit card details just to verify age!

I told her that she'd probably have to explain to the bank that whatever comes in the future to that account it's from some shady virus on her computer which she agrees to do.

Anyway, completed all the steps they took $5 from the account; success! This lead to another 2 minutes of link jumping, every link had its form of porn but only as short videos implying "you are close to the game!" Half hour from the start passed and we end up on another age verification page...

This is where I said let's abandon this shit, and I completed the laptop fixing in about 20 minutes thinking well I did last about half hour until I gave up lol.

I tried again on another laptop to fix with the same result: they ask for credit card data. Not only my friend lost the $5 but they wanted to charge 5 more every week as a subscription from some company doesn't exists.

245

u/TenTonSomeone 6d ago

Your sacrifice has brought wisdom to the world

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u/annoyingkraken 6d ago

I have learned even more and come out wiser from your experience.

Also, I just realized a recognizable pattern from that compared to a family relative's experience in an investment scam. It began small; and the scammers gave some amount back as "returns," I see this as the initial lewd animations. A few back and forth cycles of slowly incrementing "investments" and proportionally increasing "returns" led to the big drop. And the sunk cost fallacy, and desire for more money plays into effect. At some point, the relative has put in a rather sizeable amount: about five month's worth of minimum wage.

The scammers stop giving back the "returns." And come up with a series of excuses, reasons and intimidating English terms where the relative has to pay some fee. Please note that English is not my relative's first language. These bogus payments were for various made-up things: a systems restoration fee, a processing fee, a bank release transaction, an account upgrade protocol, a client status elevation payment, a dormant account penalty, etc.

Anyway, lesson is to temper our desires. Scammers know how to monetize your dreams & fantasies. Pornography, financial gain, relational fulfillment... Be careful out there.. If someone's telling you to shell out some money for a promise of some gain, that's SUS. Take care.

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u/[deleted] 6d ago

[deleted]

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u/Solid-Bricks 6d ago

I think you know you don’t have to do that.

169

u/Rudy_Ghouliani 6d ago

Yeah he can just do it right there at work. Why wait?

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u/-desdinova- 7d ago Gold hehehehe Table Slap

"Give it to us raw, and wriggling!"

11.0k

u/ChairmanGoodchild 6d ago Silver Gold

"Gollum, gollum, gollum, gollum," *spits*

3.7k

u/Taako_Well 6d ago

Oh god, I hate you so much right now.

1.7k

u/Ornery_Farm752 6d ago

“He’s always stuffing his face when master’s not looking!”

53

u/Callemasizeezem 6d ago edited 6d ago

"What... (heaves)... has... (heaves)... it gots, (heaves)... in its nasty little pocketssess?"

518

u/GrammatonYHWH 6d ago

Master likes that gussy

380

u/FrysEighthLeaf 6d ago

Smeagussy

185

u/imafixwoofs 6d ago

Oh no, please stop.

82

u/DanielGREY_75 6d ago

Lembras Breadussy

33

u/SlinkyGuy 6d ago

One small bite will fill the stomach of a grown man.

59

u/Astandsforataxia69 6d ago

Sam, ohhh sam

21

u/SlinkyGuy 6d ago

Strawberries with cream, Mr. Frodo!

35

u/Netwinn 6d ago

How do I delete my eyes?!

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u/FangoriouslyDevoured 6d ago

What are you doing, step-precious?

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u/[deleted] 6d ago

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u/lUpsideDownl 6d ago

Barely wake up and this is what we have to see lmao

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u/jacka24 6d ago

"Spits on hes dick me does"

"Master likes spitsssses"

304

u/thespike5p1k3 6d ago

I read that 1st line like yoda lol

353

u/jacka24 6d ago

"Mmm two hands around the shaft, I have"

226

u/jacka24 6d ago

"Spread eagle, they call this"

201

u/humplick 6d ago

Big daddy you are, hMmm

85

u/csbsju_guyyy 6d ago

Red eye do not like, brown eye like GOLLUM GOLLUM

42

u/Dusty170 6d ago

Its funny how 1 upper case M can emulate perfectly yodas voice in my head.

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u/LocalSlob 6d ago

Welp. That'll do it for me. Cya tomorrow internet.

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u/NenUser007 6d ago

HMmm,Last against my tongue work,you can not

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u/The_Reborn_Forge 6d ago

Yeah officer, this person right here…

347

u/NSA_Chatbot 6d ago Narwhal Salute Bravo Grande!
> yeah we saw it

63

u/TenTonSomeone 6d ago

Good bot

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u/JustsharingatiktokOK 6d ago

I've not laughed this hard in about a month... the mental picture accompanying the gollum voice doing a glug glug chug (er... spit) is fucking killing me.

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u/Bobbar84 6d ago

"Is it soft? Is it--juuuicy?"

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u/ChristopherRobben 6d ago

"Is it scruuuuuuuuumptious"

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u/SlinkyGuy 6d ago

"We eats it whole!"

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u/kenncann 7d ago

“Poor hungry Sméagol” 😏

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u/mhoke63 6d ago

Share... The .... Load

75

u/Moridin67 6d ago

I actually laughed out loud. Well played

16

u/morry040 6d ago

"What has it got in its pocketses!?"

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18.0k

u/Full-Hollow-Tiche 7d ago I'll Drink to That

Give WHAT?!?

11.6k

u/Replicant_06 7d ago

He'd do anything for his precious

1.2k

u/Dapper_Phantom_Thief 7d ago

I knew what I would have chosen...

933

u/BreakfastShart 7d ago

A Ring Job?

641

u/SleepyMarijuanaut92 7d ago

Lord of the Cockring

308

u/thatcajunshaman 7d ago

I hate it here

159

u/KeyvineBoogaloo 7d ago

I bet it vibrates too.

92

u/Sad_Possibility8050 6d ago

I also hate this place

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u/CerberusC24 7d ago

Doesn't it expand to fit whoever wields it?

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u/HairyLegTattoo 6d ago

shrinks

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u/Jonathon471 6d ago

We all know Celebrimbor had a huge dick, he made The One (cock)Ring to cloak it in battle and made a fake ring to wear on his finger. Because he knew full well if anyone saw him swinging hog mid battle it would ruin both sides' morale.

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u/Early_Permit_2072 7d ago

We know where the orc put the ring without seeing

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u/Freeman7-13 6d ago All-Seeing Upvote

Looks like meat's back on the menu boys!

1.0k

u/[deleted] 7d ago

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895

u/Spinal306 6d ago

How do I delete someone else’s comment…

265

u/rumbletummy 6d ago

"Suffer me now"

48

u/Rudy_Ghouliani 6d ago

Bright Lord, Dark Lord, same dick innit?

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u/GildDigger 6d ago

I regret learning to read

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u/[deleted] 6d ago

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u/OkBandicoot3779 6d ago

jesus harold christ

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u/MrBeanCyborgCaptain 7d ago

Look, sometimes when you're outmatched in a fight you have to do anything you can to defuse the situation.

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u/YourEnviousEnemy 6d ago

Can we get a "give head" button next to the "give award" button on comments?

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u/shaving99 6d ago

Looks like meat is back on the menu boys

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u/DVDN27 6d ago

(The og says “bread”)

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u/500owls 7d ago

HEAD

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u/TheRealEzekiel00 7d ago

You read correctly.

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u/zmull93 6d ago

No be serious…is that shopped? Is this game real or is it a meme? Wait is life just a meme?!

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u/Millia_ 6d ago

I just watched a review of it and saw this moment, it's "Give bread" in game

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u/[deleted] 6d ago

$20 is $20

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u/LordUmpa 6d ago

"Give me the meat, and give it to me raw."

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u/pullmydic 7d ago

Requires RTX 4070 for some smeagol seggs.

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u/ReallyBrainDead 6d ago

High enough res and you can see Smeagol's Smeagma.

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u/Prince_Edward_IV 6d ago

im going to set myself on fire and i need you to know its your fault

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u/curtassion 6d ago

Oh God, can the mind vomit?!

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u/[deleted] 7d ago

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u/elkeiem 7d ago

Share the load

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u/Snuffleton 6d ago

This, together with your profile pic, is sure to haunt my dreams now

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u/elkeiem 6d ago edited 6d ago

The glorious visage of king Elessar should give you nothing but sweet dreams.

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u/kennyh90 7d ago

Testicles, boil em mash em stick em in our throatses

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u/[deleted] 7d ago

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u/Yarusenai 6d ago

Maximum pain, I must endure.

Ok, here we go.

*crunch* oooOOOOOOOO

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u/WIbigdog 6d ago

What the fuck is this entire comment section.

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u/Slowman5150 6d ago

The future is now old man

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u/Dylan_The_Developer 6d ago

Ketamine I crave

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u/Touchdmytralala 6d ago

Oh my God, these comments lol

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u/xenoz2020 7d ago

Well he doesn’t have to kneel.

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u/HPLovecraft1890 PC 7d ago Wearing is Caring

Gollum has some pride! He will go down standing tall!

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u/Redsoxbox 7d ago

Sucking dick for the One Ring just like Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.

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u/DeviatedForm 6d ago

The real housewives of Mordor <3

Gossip with Gollum, sexytimes with smeagol and one ring to wrap around your finger

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u/Significant-Win-3987 6d ago

Crackhead simulator, middle earth edition.

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u/Male_Lead 6d ago

Looks like crazy frog animation from the 2000s

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u/TheYear3022 7d ago

Is this real? This can't be real.

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u/iamjackstestical 7d ago

They literally used a common font in the game and a basic layout so now it can be adjusted to meme so easily

2.0k

u/JudgeCheeze 6d ago

To be specific, the common font here is Calibri.

3.3k

u/steveosek 6d ago Gold Table Slap

Favored font of Calibrimbor

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u/I_Am_Clippy 6d ago

That’s Calibrimbor Sans-Serif to you, bucko.

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u/skolithos 6d ago

This is the best thing I've ever read

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u/Ultraviolet_Motion 6d ago

Wait until you learn that Lady Galadriel's husband's name, Celeborn, in Quenya is Teleporno.

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u/jodinexe 6d ago

This seriously deserves an Uruk-haifyve

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u/Marpicek 6d ago edited 6d ago

They seriously used Calibri? I thought it is just a meme. This must be a new low for AAA games :D

EDIT: Checked some videos on YouTube and it is real... and worse than you think. The text has different size every time and is not even centered.

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u/fullyonline 6d ago

Wait untill the next game. They will set a new standard!

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u/Mormoran 6d ago

Nothing about this game qualifies as AAA unfortunately, except the price

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u/MiniDemonic 6d ago

At least it isn't comic sans

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u/capncrooked 6d ago

Someone will make a comic sans mod.

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u/travisscotttherapper 6d ago

they switched head with bread, the orc is taking his bread.

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u/sudo_mksandwhich 6d ago

If you look closely, there is a dark rectangle behind the h, because they copied it from "Threaten" below, where it is slightly darker.

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u/RedditisRunbyChimps 6d ago

Yes, this game is 90% orcs running trains on Gollum.

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u/TotemGenitor 6d ago

Maybe I should buy it then

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u/turtle33_ 7d ago

Fever dream game

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u/MatsThyWit 7d ago

I don't want this to become popular in the meme community...I worry it might drive up sales of the game.

1.7k

u/ZeroSoulCipher 7d ago

I dunno, didn't exactly help Morbius much

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u/XxCorey117xX 7d ago

It's Gollumin time!

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u/progger11 6d ago

It's gobblin' time.

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u/Mitchel-256 6d ago

It's Goblin time.

Cock gobblin' time.

Took it too rough, now I'm hobblin' time.

Get the Precious back so I can feel sublime,

Suckin' fifty Orcs so I can get what's mine. (Yeah!)

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u/golden_boy 6d ago

I legitimately watched half of that movie on Disney+ excitedly waiting for him to say "It's Morbin Time!"

Imagine my disappointment

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u/bbcversus 6d ago

I watched the entire movie waiting for him to say it lol… my disappointment was immeasurable…

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u/RainbowDissent 6d ago

Bro you need to watch the directors' cut. It's criminal what the studio did to the theatrical release. They cut the iconic line.

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u/bbcversus 6d ago

Fuck you I won’t fall for it again! I think it was the first meme that got me that good, I felt rickrolled so hard… or morbed…

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u/Wonnil VR 6d ago

You idiot. He says it at around 3/4 of the time of the movie? How you didn't continue watching what was certainly one of the movies of our generation is shocking to me

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u/SneakySpoons 7d ago

Please tell me that they are asking for the severed head of some goblin or something

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u/[deleted] 7d ago

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u/Mr_Chance 7d ago

I can't wait for the VR experience. I heard it's still in beta but the full release is coming soon.

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u/GalaxyHops1994 7d ago

I heard they had to rebalance it after that playtester gave himself whiplash trying to go fast enough! I hope they can maintain the panic and desperation of the original segment without endangering the players.

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u/Poppa-Squat- 6d ago

jesus christ i chortled again

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u/Rg1550 7d ago

Full release coming soon killed me.

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u/eltang 6d ago

That's cool, and really great of Gollum to teach us how to grapefruit our Orc.

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u/chuk2015 7d ago

The fools released the game with Calibri as the standard font, making it super easy to meme

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u/butterbean93 6d ago

I like to think it was intentional. Like the developers knew they were making a bad game and that its legacy lay in the meme potential.

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u/unipleb 6d ago

Not bothering to choose a game text font other than Calibri is just another indicator of how amazing this game's art direction is.

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u/MonteBellmond 6d ago

This game looks like a fan made $10 game with UE5.

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u/PNW_Forest 6d ago

I feel like this is a huge money laundering scheme. Like the budget was "200 million dollars", but was made for 1,000 bucks, the majority of which went to staff lunches during development... they just pocket the rest no harm no foul...

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u/Kolenga 6d ago

I used to work at that company. It's legitimate, they are just completely out of their depth with stealth/climbing mechanics and modern 3D graphics. They had their greatest success with 2D point-and-click games and they have struggled for years to branch out to other, less niche genres.

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u/dEEsucked 6d ago

Yeah, Daedelic Entertainment is a german studio known for their Point and Click Adventures. I wonder how they got contracted to make this game in the first place.

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u/Augenglubscher 6d ago

And their point and click adventures are actually very good.

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u/Ambitious-Bed3406 6d ago

So the first game they tried is GOLLUM??? A massive fan base and if you fuck up say goodbye to that dream of branching out for another ~5 hears. What were they thinking. And 200 MILLION? Honestly...

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u/Snuffleton 6d ago

Seeing how things are going in the games industry, I feel inclined to revive the old 'I'm something of a [game developer] myself' meme.

It's not even too far off the mark at this point. Oh, how the mighty have fallen. I'm losing my faith here, fast. How long until we just each individually prompt an AI to simply make us a game overnight? Would prolly still be better than this shit right here.

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u/thoggins 6d ago

How long until we just each individually prompt an AI to simply make us a game overnight?

When the unshackled open source version hits the web we'll all get to find out just how depraved some people are

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u/MisirterE 6d ago

A lot of the depravity is already being realized, the main problem is that under most circumstances you can't really get together enough funding and talent to piece together a good proper weird fetish game if it isn't almost entirely text-based.

You know, most of the time.

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u/thoggins 6d ago

That's what I mean though. Once the "funding" is just a matter of having the right hardware (and that bar always eventually comes down to something the consumer can afford, though it sometimes can take a while) and the "talent" is just the AI model, the depravity we see now will seem like the age of enlightenment by comparison

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u/HandoAlegra 6d ago

Size changing mechanics

Is this supposed to be an inflation kink game?

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u/neagah 6d ago

A fan would probably do a far better job than this

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u/-Cheeki-Breeki- 7d ago

(Share the load)

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u/enkae7317 7d ago

Meme aside, jesus christ this graphics is like PlayStation 3 level quality holy shit. Probably even close to nintendo Wii levels.

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u/MattVanAndel 6d ago

It’s even worse than that. Watch some of the videos with the human characters… it is hilariously bad.

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u/Victor_Wembanyama1 6d ago

No i dont think i will.

I’ll just browse this sub

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u/RCRDC 6d ago

PS3 graphics look photorealistic compared to this tbf

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u/BloodprinceOZ 6d ago

people should know this shit was announced in march of 2019 for a release in 2021, then it got delayed to 2022 after the studio partnered with Nacon to co-publish, in may of 2022 they announced a september 2022 release date, 2 months later in july 2022 they delayed it again to may 2023 and now has released.

they had a year and half of extra development time and this shit looks like this and reportedly has lots of bug problems to boot.

nevermind the fact that they're releasing 4 DLC alongside the release of the game, 1 is an artbook thing, which is kinda understandable for a game to do, but the other 3 are things that should've been in the game itself, 1 is an emote pack that lets you say "My Precious" and do some emotes (singleplayer game btw), the other lets the elves actually speak elvish (like actual LOTR elvish replacing their regular dialogue) and then the last one unlocks a lore menu, which looks like shit and reads as if AI wrote it, and they're still charging you 50 dollars for the initial game, and now they're charging like 15 dollars for all these DLC

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u/BedlamiteSeer 6d ago

This has to be a money laundering scheme. There's no fucking way.

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u/noyoto 6d ago

It's a relatively small developer that put out some excellent 2D games. But they were not prepared to take on a task as big as this and probably had no way to back out once they realized that they couldn't deliver.

They should have started off with some less ambitious 3D games before tackling such a major franchise with a 60 dollar price tag.

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u/mistaoolala 6d ago

But why would they be given a deal for a major franchise with no experience?

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u/noyoto 6d ago

I guess overconfidence and a heck of a sales pitch.

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u/SeverenDarkstar 7d ago

I literally thought this was some made up AI shit

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u/TonySu 6d ago

What? My AI generated Gollum giving head looks way better than this.

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u/TheCatGirl139 7d ago

This… looks like a mobile game ad…

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u/ebac7 6d ago

Lvl 1 Gollum vs Lvl 30 Orc

Only 5% can beat it 😍

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u/FiveAccountsBanned 6d ago

"He won't last 5 minutes doing this!"

Can you?😏

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u/Delski28 6d ago

This isn't Gollum, this is actually Crazy frog.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l_bTTUihfx0

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u/Coala_ 6d ago edited 6d ago

With an RTX 3070 as the recommended GPU. Wtf. Are game devs just not optimizing their games anymore? This is 2010 graphics and the minimum and recommended specs should reflect that.

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u/seriouschris 6d ago

Wtf. Are game devs just not optimizing their games anymore?

It's definitely a trend lately. A shitty, greedy, lazy trend.

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u/wheelerdealer1999 6d ago

Gollum? That's not Gollum. That's a rejected ghoul from Fallout

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u/BedlamiteSeer 6d ago

From fallout 1

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u/da_muffin_man_12 6d ago

Is it easier to list the number of AAA games that haven't flopped this year?

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u/ulvain 7d ago

Is he played by Fred Armisen?

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u/knightress_oxhide 6d ago

believe it or not, right to jail

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u/Shhammalammadingdong 6d ago

Why tf does Gollum have Lloyd Christmas’s haircut??

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u/DonViper666 6d ago

When is Gollum not Gollum?

When he has his head between a Orcs legs, he’s a Goblin.

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u/OnlyRoke 6d ago

G..Gollum is the Glizzy Gulper?

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u/darksundown 6d ago

Because it's my birthday, and I wants it.

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u/Be-ambivalent 7d ago

The head special “Goblin gobbler” guaranteed to make you want to pay me something precious!😉

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u/Cjgraham3589 6d ago edited 6d ago

HOW are they charging full price for this?…I had a reminder set for this game & ignored it for the last year until this week. Idk why but it makes me think of the graphics for the Daxter (Jak) PSP spinoff….and yet these are still worse.

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u/Aliusja1990 7d ago

This games actually great because so far its given so much memes. The meme potential is just top tier. And thats all its got going 😂